By Tucker Max
What do you do once you write a number one bestselling ebook approximately your drunken, sexual misadventures that makes you wealthy and well-known? rejoice by means of getting extra inebriated and having insane quantities of intercourse, evidently. And lovely quickly you've bought one other fucking e-book in your hands.
Stuffed filled with ridiculous tales of undesirable judgements, debauchery, and sexual recklessness, Assholes end First begins the place i am hoping They Serve Beer In Hell left off, then proceeds to "some next-level shit."
You already understand how ladies react to self belief, online game, and vodka, yet what occurs if you happen to upload cash and repute to the combo? You get solutions to the not easy questions you've by no means considered asking:
• What's it wish to have intercourse with a midget? What approximately midgets?
• How does it believe to get a number of requests to "fuck for charity"?
• What does it do to a guy to monitor a 19-year-old do wind sprints to sober up, in order that she will have intercourse with you earlier than her dual sister does?
• At how many virgins does deflowering them cease being enjoyable and begin feeling like a job?
• whilst a woman you met 3 hours in the past comes to a decision to tattoo your identify subsequent to her pussy, what's the acceptable reaction?
• are you able to X-ray a blowjob?
The solutions are inside of, they're absurd and hilarious, and they're the manufactured from one man's experiences:
His identify is Tucker Max, and he's nonetheless an asshole.
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At some point we found ourselves at the Porta Potties. SlingBlade went into one, but I had to wait because the other was occupied. He came out laughing. ” Tucker [I was so in shock, I put the bullhorn down] “You took a dump in a Porta Potty? ” The guy in my Porta Potty came out. As I opened the door to go in, I recoiled in terror. Tucker “OHH! ” He started walking away, like everything was just fine and dandy. Tucker “Hey you, come back here. ” Thus is the power and authority of the bullhorn: The guy actually walked back to the Porta Potty and took a sniff.
In order to solve this problem, the people in charge make grad students camp out in a field to get into the lottery for the chance to get tickets. They expect you to spend a weekend sleeping in dirt and checking in every time they blow their whistles, like a fucking homeless kindergartener. You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? This is taken directly from the Duke grad student website: “Welcome to Duke! Let’s get right to the most important issue on your mind: How can YOU get season tickets to this year’s men’s basketball games in Cameron Indoor Stadium?
I pull out the wallet, casually look into the side pocket, see $80, consider stealing it, but don’t. I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other. I pull out her license. Her name is Stacey. Never would have guessed Stacey. Weight, 110? Yeah. During the Reagan administration. And goddamn, she kinda looks hot here. She’s the first person I’ve ever met who looks better in her driver’s license picture. I put the wallet back in her purse and go back to eating my cereal and watching Springer.